Getting started
Well, this blog is to be used to figure out where I am going. I’m in a tough space right now. I realized that I do not love the man I married, that I never really did. I married a father substitute (mine left when I was a kid) and spent the first several years trying to please him. I thought if I tried hard enough, it would work out. Now that I have more self-respect, I realize that I chose an impossible person, tried to adapt, and nearly lost myself in the process. My friends were surprised to shocked, and never really understood what I saw in him, why I stayed with him, and how I could deny my inner being to such an extreme. I would very much appreciate comments and shared experience.
Oh, just so you know where I’m coming from. Married nearly 20 years, presently live well in materialistic terms, have two children in middle school, don’t have my own income (kind of like an upscale servant), live far away from my original home and family, and I don’t want to try anymore. He apparently wants to try to fix things, has been really nice lately, is even reading a book that I gave him about relationships. I am bitter, disappointed, feel like I have wasted so much time, didn’t raise my children the way I wanted to, was afraid of my husband for years (totally irrational fears), but I didn’t want the children to suffer the way I did through my parents’ divorce. He is an orderly control freak, I’m a sloppy, chaotic control freak. We have just about nothing in common. We were physically very attracted to each other at the start, and I guess it was that cruel streak in him that fascinated and scared me. Now I just plain don’t like it. I think that’s enough for now. Oh, I nearly forgot! I have a lot of freedom, even if it is begrudgingly accepted. I pursue my hobbies (partial escape from reality), travel occasionally and go out alone or with girlfriends. He’s not jealous. What I’m trying to figure out is: how much of this is me, and how much is him. More later.
