Doubt
Now that I finally decided once and for all that it’s over (but haven’t told him yet), that I don’t love him, that I need to deal with this situation, set up a life and leave, he’s being nice to me. Yesterday he asked me to go along to see films and pictures from his recent motorcycle trip with friends. I went along, not at all thrilled, but I thought I would be a good sport. It went on for 3 hours, and at one point I thought: “ok, now I understand why he told me at some point that he’s not interested in hearing about my hobby (music) all the time.” So that was good. But to this day he has not listened to my CD once through. That would only take 1 hour. After 3 hours he was considerate enough to say that we had to leave (after asking me first).
Today at breakfast he THANKED me for going with him, and asked if it had been at all interesting. I said it was, because now I understand how he feels about my music, and now I know about his trip, but that it was longer than I’d expected. He agreed, and said that’s why we left. And then proceeded to talk more about the motorcycle trip etc. Believe me, I am very happy that he started with the motorcycle a few months ago. He finally has something that interests him, and now has more understanding for my hobbies. And it gets him out of the house.
Still at breakfast, he cleared away my plate when I was finished, and put away the butter & jam. He asked me which part of the newspaper I’d like to read. He’s being so nice, but this just isn’t him!!! Yet already I’m thinking, oh, maybe I saw him completely wrong. Maybe it all had to do with my never learning how to communicate and relate. Now that I don’t care anymore, perhaps I’m more clear than ever, because I’m no longer concerned.
But after 23 years, I just don’t want to try anymore. I’ve had enough. Going out, being nice, all this stuff – all stuff I wanted in the beginning. It wasn’t there. And when we did things together, we both had totally different ideas of how it should be. So it’s not just that he was verbally abusive, it’s also that I just don’t want to be with him. Only I was too “nice” to admit it. Now I feel guilty for leading him on.
Lately, though, I’ve felt angry for going along with this whole thing – angry at both of us for being too chicken to say anything. So today I’m thinking. “Ok, don’t be too extreme. Maybe I can start by saying that I just can’t relate right now. That I don’t have feelings of love or interest, and that I need my own space.” Since there are children, filing for divorce should be the last option, when we have exhausted all other possibilities. Only at this point, I’M exhausted!
I still wonder if I shouldn’t just forgive him, forgive myself, and make the best of things. That seems to be the logical solution, except there is this little kid in me, still stamping her foot and saying, “But I don’t WANT to!!” Oh, what’s a mother to do?
Today I try to see the humor in it, stick to the path – even if I’m not exactly sure where it’s going, pray for clarity, and I think I’ll do some yoga. I have come across the suggestion of yoga, relaxation, and meditation several times – to quiet down, relax, and listen to that voice inside. There’s been so much chattering in my head lately that I don’t understand a thing!
Stepping back a bit
I’m grateful to a friend who suggested I blog on this – to get my thoughts straight, as well as to get feedback/input. I just looked through the previous entries and get the sense of going in circles. So I’m stepping back today, letting go of judgment, and trying to let go of past disappointments, anger and resentment.
I know now more than I did back then, as most people tend to experience. In the present situation, I will stay in the now and work with what is. To go back and keep tabs on all the things he “did” to me isn’t really getting us anywhere, except that I feel more sad and sorry for myself, even though I know it could be much worse. It has always been an interaction and there have always been both of us playing. I am indeed responsible for my actions, even if I don’t agree with them. That’s how it is.
My thoughts have wandered lately to my ability to relate to people in general. Maybe I need to focus more on that. I know my happiness does not depend on another human being.
Today I base my actions on the day, the events, the interactions. There is live music in town tonight in the pedestrian zone. Some friends are going. I’m going, too. Sometimes it’s good to just get out, see what is happening in the world, talk to other people and forget one’s self for a while. I will remember to laugh, to not take everything so seriously, to take a break from work and enjoy life a bit.
I’m not a jerk
I think it’s really most important to focus on the moment. Right now. Because it is beginning to dawn on me, that it’s not so much about whether I should stay or go – and when – but about how I deal with people and situations. Lately I’ve taken up the habit of giving things back. For example, when my husband gives me that unmistakeable (sp?) “Only-a-jerk-like-you-would-say-something-like-that” look, I give it right back to him with my: “only-a-jerk-would-think-I’m-a-jerk” look. And it works! I’m not letting him get away with putting me down so much anymore. What surprises me, is that I only recently learned that I have such a look in my repertoire!
I sit in my room, working at my computer (writing a book, what else?!), I hear him go by. His office is on the other side of the house, so he’s home all day, and uses the bathroom in the hall outside my room, and passes by my room to go to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Every time he passes, I have become conscious of my back stiffening. It is stress! I just can’t do that! I have every right to sit here and write. It’s none of his business, actually. (And it’s driving me crazy that he’s here all the time. That’s a new development. He used to go to work, and used to be away on business fairly frequently. Maybe that’s why I could stand living with him for so long – counting the hours or days til he went out/away again.)
Well, I’m working on that, too. I knew he would walk into my room at some point (today is a holiday), which he did. “What is on the agenda for today?” He always has to be busy, do something. I remained grounded, centered, calm and said: “Absolutely nothing. We are going to relax, putter, everyone does as they please. In the evening we are invited to a party.” I had gathered up all my determination to say it, and he acquiesced quite well.
The stress is getting to me. I have chronic neck/upper back/right shoulder pain, which has spread through my whole body. Yesterday I got a massage/craniosacral treatment. I complained about the pain in my hands. I told her I write too much on the computer. She said it’s not really from that. All of the pain and tension is going out from my neck. I am literally one nervous wreck, and it’s worsening. It is a bit frightening, because of the truth in the assertion that when we don’t pay attention or make necessary changes, our body forces us to. My body has been crying out for the past year. Actually, I started grinding my teeth at night after I moved in with this guy. So, it’s a long-term thing. I just ignored it, because I didn’t trust my own perception. But I won’t beat on myself, judge that, or try to explain it. That’s just how it is.
Just for today, right now, I am trying to remain calm, not feel pressure to do what is expected of me, and not take his demands/complaints to heart as if his perceptions/declarations were equal to statements from God. I get so tired of this! But I want to deal with it. Oh, it feels like I’m going in circles, nowhere but really fast. No, that’s not true. One step at a time – I will learn to deal with him, assert myself with him and other people, and get out of here when the time is right.
breakfast
Recently I woke up to hear the cat scratching at my door. I got up, fed him, and set myself a place at the table. During the week I get up an hour early to get the kids off to school. I thought to myself: if he gets up before I do on the weekend, it would be nice if he would feed the cats and let me sleep. I didn’t say anything.
As I set my place at the table, the thought crossed my mind that I automatically set a place for him if I get up first on the weekend. I didn’t say anything. I put out the butter and a brie with chives in it. Then went to do something else. He asked, “Did you put this cheese out for me?” His voice was so unfriendly that I said “No.” He said, “Well, you put it in the wrong place – the sun will melt it.” Then I sat down and said, “Actually, I did put it out for you as well, but when you talked to me like that, I changed my mind.” No comment. He said in a strained, trying-to-be-friendly voice: “I don’t like cheese with chives.” I ate my breakfast, read the paper, cleared my place, and left the room.
biding my time
That’s what it feels like today. So much is clear. Listening to music, and the song tells me: you only live once, pick up and go, no one is going to take you by the hand and get you out of there.
But it all seems so complicated. I have children. I want the best for them. I haven’t worked in nearly 20 years (student life, children). What would I do? But that’s just all practical stuff. If I just jump in, I’ll learn to swim.
Thinking about the relationship. I’m trying to learn to cope, to be me, be authentic, stop hiding myself and trying to please him, I want to be fair. I’m thinking, well, maybe I should have started talking and confronting him sooner, shouldn’t have put up with so much. But I did! And lately, there is sadness about that, but there is also anger about the negation and humiliation.
I smoked. He hated that. I smoked when I met him. As time went by, he really put on the pressure. Scolding me in public (at a party), then withdrawing – not wanting to make love to a smoker!!! And what did I do? I felt guilty, felt bad – like a bad little girl. I swore I would be better, stop smoking. Yet I couldn’t, because those cigarettes were symbolic of freedom. How sad that I would be reduced to smoking as a sign of rebellion. I even smoked at our civil wedding ceremony. There is a photo of us together, and I have a cigarette in my hand. He scratched it out with a pen, so now only the two of us know that there was a cigarette. Imagine that! He simply scratched out what he didn’t like – and he did that symbolically in many ways. Now I’m waking up and trying to find all that scratched out stuff, because it occurs to me that it’s part of me and I am lost without it!
I did quit smoking 4 years ago – but that was for my voice, because I like to sing. Anger is coming up – he saw who I was when he met me, and he went about changing me. He had an ideal, and I was supposed to correspond to that. Damn, did I try!! (Like I said, I was sick and had a bad self-image. So I thought, if I worked hard enough to change myself, the relationship would work.) So on the one hand, I feel guilty leaving and blame myself: I should have spoken up sooner. On the other hand, I am angry: he set about to change me and had no guilty conscience about it? Why should I feel guilty about someone who committed such a crime?
Recently we had a long talk. I’d been avoiding it, but something happened that made it necessary. And once I got started, I was like a waterfall for nearly 3 or 4 hours. Afterwards, I was exhausted. Anyway, he says he loves me and wants to stay with me forever. I don’t want to stay with him. That is what my heart tells me. My heart has always told me that, but I didn’t believe it. Partially because I was convinced that I should take what I get – it might be my only chance! I really doubted whether I could find another who would want me. How crazy is that??
Lately he’s talking about doing things – going out together twice a month to pep up our relationship – if I want to, he said. I nodded and inside I said to myself, “No, I don’t want to. It is too late.” I don’t want to spend time with him. For me it is over, but I just don’t know how to deal with that. My habit of thinking in extremes makes it hard, too. I often don’t see the middle ground. I mean, it is dawning upon me that I can say, “I don’t want to spend time with you right now. I’m in a different space, sorting things out, and I need more time alone.” I could even say I want a break. A time out. There are various possibilities, I just have to be convinced that I deserve it. If he says No, well, then he says no.
Recently I hooked up with a new friend, and all of a sudden I feel like I am reminded of who I used to be. This new friend is a woman with whom I have a lot in common. I talk with her, listen, and think: “Oh my, that’s how I used to be, to think, to talk!” Instead, I have spent around 20 years sinking in the quicksand of a doting husband, who is quick to put me down or give me a dirty look if I’m too different than I should be.
On the outside, everyone thinks he is wonderful to me. True, I can do so much, have so much, am free. But for every step I have to hear: “Is that really necessary?” Then he grudgingly agrees. And I feel like I have to pay dearly for these things, or be a good little girl to keep him in a good humor. I am beginning to see that he likes to shine in my light – reaping the rewards for being the one who stands beside me and supports me. But the hidden costs within the four walls of my home are an expense that has become intolerable.
So much of this behavior is learned – I saw my own mother behaving in this way. I don’t even remember it, but it must be that way. And when I tell her about things in the relationship, she feels terrible and says, “Oh I’m so sorry – that’s the example I set for you.” Well, I’m an adult now. I can’t blame my mother. I can recognize the situation, that things are not right. I have no role model, no good example. So I’m stuck figuring things out for myself. But creativity is useful here – I can create this life, this situation, even this relationship. I don’t see us staying together. In fact, deep in my heart, I don’t want to. But if for some strange reason he were to change, I could live with that.
It really is not easy, but for now I am grateful to be finding wonderful, supportive people who tell me I am fine, talented, able, a good person – just the way I am. I’ve been alone with this for a long time. I did talk about it over the years, and time and again swore I would leave, but I just never had whatever it takes to go. God, please help me get out of here soon. Please help me recognize when the time is right, and please help me be prepared. Please help me save myself. Thank you.
