Doubt
Now that I finally decided once and for all that it’s over (but haven’t told him yet), that I don’t love him, that I need to deal with this situation, set up a life and leave, he’s being nice to me. Yesterday he asked me to go along to see films and pictures from his recent motorcycle trip with friends. I went along, not at all thrilled, but I thought I would be a good sport. It went on for 3 hours, and at one point I thought: “ok, now I understand why he told me at some point that he’s not interested in hearing about my hobby (music) all the time.” So that was good. But to this day he has not listened to my CD once through. That would only take 1 hour. After 3 hours he was considerate enough to say that we had to leave (after asking me first).
Today at breakfast he THANKED me for going with him, and asked if it had been at all interesting. I said it was, because now I understand how he feels about my music, and now I know about his trip, but that it was longer than I’d expected. He agreed, and said that’s why we left. And then proceeded to talk more about the motorcycle trip etc. Believe me, I am very happy that he started with the motorcycle a few months ago. He finally has something that interests him, and now has more understanding for my hobbies. And it gets him out of the house.
Still at breakfast, he cleared away my plate when I was finished, and put away the butter & jam. He asked me which part of the newspaper I’d like to read. He’s being so nice, but this just isn’t him!!! Yet already I’m thinking, oh, maybe I saw him completely wrong. Maybe it all had to do with my never learning how to communicate and relate. Now that I don’t care anymore, perhaps I’m more clear than ever, because I’m no longer concerned.
But after 23 years, I just don’t want to try anymore. I’ve had enough. Going out, being nice, all this stuff – all stuff I wanted in the beginning. It wasn’t there. And when we did things together, we both had totally different ideas of how it should be. So it’s not just that he was verbally abusive, it’s also that I just don’t want to be with him. Only I was too “nice” to admit it. Now I feel guilty for leading him on.
Lately, though, I’ve felt angry for going along with this whole thing – angry at both of us for being too chicken to say anything. So today I’m thinking. “Ok, don’t be too extreme. Maybe I can start by saying that I just can’t relate right now. That I don’t have feelings of love or interest, and that I need my own space.” Since there are children, filing for divorce should be the last option, when we have exhausted all other possibilities. Only at this point, I’M exhausted!
I still wonder if I shouldn’t just forgive him, forgive myself, and make the best of things. That seems to be the logical solution, except there is this little kid in me, still stamping her foot and saying, “But I don’t WANT to!!” Oh, what’s a mother to do?
Today I try to see the humor in it, stick to the path – even if I’m not exactly sure where it’s going, pray for clarity, and I think I’ll do some yoga. I have come across the suggestion of yoga, relaxation, and meditation several times – to quiet down, relax, and listen to that voice inside. There’s been so much chattering in my head lately that I don’t understand a thing!
Daloo3a said,
May 4, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I know it’s hard after 23years, but .. my mother felt the same as you.. and as her daughter, I told her, break free, let go..
We weren’t put on this earth to be miserable.. everything happens for a reason.
Perhaps God put you together for a reason……. maybe even so you could have children.. or to teach you a lesson, next time Choose Wisely…. or maybe the lesson wasn’t even for you, maybe it was to teach him something.
Get out, if your not happy, leave.. i know it’s easier said than done but honestly….. I see my mum now and I’m glad she left my father, because they are both now remarried and very very happy
seekinglight45 said,
November 27, 2009 at 9:58 am
Hey there! I was just going through my old e-mails and I found yours. Wanted to let you know that I REALLY appreciated your note back then and took it to heart. Exactly one year later, May 2009, I moved into my own apartment. What a relief! My daughter was thrilled! My son was shocked, but has adjusted in the meantime. My daughter lives with me fulltime, my son is here during the week. We are all adjusting quite well and I am so thankful. For a long time, your note was in the back of my mind. When I mentioned the possibility to my daughter that maybe I would separate from her father, she was quite excited and immediately started checking the apartment-for-rent ads. That made it somewhat easier. Thank you again, and I wish you all the best!
seekinglight45 said,
May 4, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I don’t know why, but your comment brings tears to my eyes. I am most concerned about my children. Thank you very much.
legalprison said,
May 4, 2008 at 5:33 pm
It was after 14 years I made my decision. I completely understand your feelings, nothing about seems to matter and you know its over. Good luck.
searchingwithin said,
May 4, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I left after 21 years, and it was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I don’t know how old your children are, I have to assume they must be grown or nearly grown. Your children’s wellbeing is always a struggle for a Mother. You have to ask yourself…is it not hurting them to be raised in an unhappy marriage? Which is the worse of the two evils?
A lot of that depends on how well the two of you treat each other during the divorce.
Also, if you are not in love with this man, do you see it in your heart to release him so that he has a chance of finding someone who does? As well as yourself?
seekinglight45 said,
May 4, 2008 at 6:57 pm
SW: My children are 14 & 15. I believe it has hurt them to be in this sad marriage. I hope very much to have a good divorce (not like my parents had). I would hope very much that he would find happiness with someone else. (I made the mistake of hoping he would find someone and leave me, but he never did.) There’s just so much fear involved and wanting to do the right thing. But I’m sure you know all about that. I keep telling myself: it’s darkest before the dawn.
LP: Thank you very much. I think I’ll try writing a letter that doesn’t necessarily have to be delivered – just as a start.
Daloo3a said,
May 5, 2008 at 1:13 pm
It’s hard, yes, but … you have to think of your kids.. They are in the middle right now.. and trust me, take it from someone who saw it…. my mother never trusted my father… and … i grew up believing that ‘men could not be trusted’ ….
Your decision will reflect on your children.
If you look at my blog and my life, you’ll see that alot of my problems all stem from the fact I watched my mother unhappy….
Her problems are now being reflected on my life as a 20 something woman..
I find it impossible to trust men, or let anyone in… I’m looking for Mr. Perfect because I saw what settling for something did for my mother.
Please think of your children. . and let go before it’s too late.
xx
seekinglight45 said,
May 5, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that you, being a daughter, would comment. I’ll check out your blog. What is right for the children has been my biggest uncertainty.