I’m not a jerk
I think it’s really most important to focus on the moment. Right now. Because it is beginning to dawn on me, that it’s not so much about whether I should stay or go – and when – but about how I deal with people and situations. Lately I’ve taken up the habit of giving things back. For example, when my husband gives me that unmistakeable (sp?) “Only-a-jerk-like-you-would-say-something-like-that” look, I give it right back to him with my: “only-a-jerk-would-think-I’m-a-jerk” look. And it works! I’m not letting him get away with putting me down so much anymore. What surprises me, is that I only recently learned that I have such a look in my repertoire!
I sit in my room, working at my computer (writing a book, what else?!), I hear him go by. His office is on the other side of the house, so he’s home all day, and uses the bathroom in the hall outside my room, and passes by my room to go to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Every time he passes, I have become conscious of my back stiffening. It is stress! I just can’t do that! I have every right to sit here and write. It’s none of his business, actually. (And it’s driving me crazy that he’s here all the time. That’s a new development. He used to go to work, and used to be away on business fairly frequently. Maybe that’s why I could stand living with him for so long – counting the hours or days til he went out/away again.)
Well, I’m working on that, too. I knew he would walk into my room at some point (today is a holiday), which he did. “What is on the agenda for today?” He always has to be busy, do something. I remained grounded, centered, calm and said: “Absolutely nothing. We are going to relax, putter, everyone does as they please. In the evening we are invited to a party.” I had gathered up all my determination to say it, and he acquiesced quite well.
The stress is getting to me. I have chronic neck/upper back/right shoulder pain, which has spread through my whole body. Yesterday I got a massage/craniosacral treatment. I complained about the pain in my hands. I told her I write too much on the computer. She said it’s not really from that. All of the pain and tension is going out from my neck. I am literally one nervous wreck, and it’s worsening. It is a bit frightening, because of the truth in the assertion that when we don’t pay attention or make necessary changes, our body forces us to. My body has been crying out for the past year. Actually, I started grinding my teeth at night after I moved in with this guy. So, it’s a long-term thing. I just ignored it, because I didn’t trust my own perception. But I won’t beat on myself, judge that, or try to explain it. That’s just how it is.
Just for today, right now, I am trying to remain calm, not feel pressure to do what is expected of me, and not take his demands/complaints to heart as if his perceptions/declarations were equal to statements from God. I get so tired of this! But I want to deal with it. Oh, it feels like I’m going in circles, nowhere but really fast. No, that’s not true. One step at a time – I will learn to deal with him, assert myself with him and other people, and get out of here when the time is right.
